Island of Doctor Akagi
by Kaiju Alpha
Summary: When Misato, Kaji, Rei, Shinji and Asuka take a vacation on an island owned by Ritsuko Akagi, strange things begin to happen. A parody of the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror skit.


_This is a parody of the Island of Doctor Hibbert from The Simpsons. I do not own the plot (aside from a few changes) or the characters._

"Tell me again why we're spending our annual vacation on the Island of Lost Souls?" Asuka groaned as their plane was approaching their destination.

"Oh come on, Asuka, nothing's more fun than spending a vacation from NERV on an island that looks like a smiley face?" Misato asked.

Asuka looked out the window and was greeted with the sight of an island shaped like a smiley face alright. A big smiling _skull_ face that was less inviting island and more of the "people who step foot on this place never come back" island. The flames for the "eyes" certainly didn't help. As the plane landed, Misato, Asuka, Rei, Shinji and Kaji stepped out onto the deck where they were greeted by a rather... familiar voice.

"Welcome. Welcome. Glad you all could make it to my island." The group of five turned to see Ritsuko Akagi, wearing a snazzy white suit, pearl high-heels and a white hat with a purple trim.

"Rits?" Kaji asked, "I thought you had gone mad last time we saw you."

Ritsuko nodded, "Oh, yes. I went mad. _Completely_ mad! Mad from providing top-notch vacation values at reasonable costs." She added a chuckle.

She then pulled out a clicker, the kind used to train animals, and clicked it twice. "Oh, Koji. Help these fine folks with their bags."

With that, Koji Takao walked out (or rather shuffled out). The balding man looked the same, except for a few changes. Namely the fact he looked more like a gorilla. As he grabbed the bags, he looked up and gave the gathered guests a savage snarl, bearing rows of sharp, dagger-like teeth.

"Just a heads up, he _might_ try to slobber on your crotch." Ritsuko warned.

Misato shrugged, "Eh, I've been around guys like him."

As the group followed Koji and Ritsuko, Asuka and Shinji couldn't help but feel like someone or some _thing_ was watching them. Suddenly, a muffled cry rang out, getting Kaji's attention.

"Hey, Misato, I think I heard someone in trouble." he told her.

The purple-haired Major shrugged, "Hey, not my problem, we're on vacation."

That night the group had settled down for an exotic dinner with Ritsuko as the host.

"Ritsuko, I've gotta hand it to you, this is one heck of a resort!" Kaji complimented the faux-blonde ex-scientist of NERV, "Say, are there any activities you could recommend for us?"

Ritsuko chuckled, "Well, since you asked, one personal favorite activity I have is not asking questions."

"Permit me for asking this, but is it not man's inquisitive nature that separates us from the animals?" Rei asked.

Suddenly, Ritsuko became aggressive as she glared at the blunette. "Why should we be separated? Have you ever imagined what Shakespeare would have accomplished if he had the eyes of an eagle or Einstein with the brain of an octopus or Rob Schneider with the ability to spray stink on his critics!?"

Realizing she was in rant mode, she calmed down. "Sorry, lost my temper there for a second. So, who's up for turkey?"

She lifted the silver platter's lid to reveal a lavishly roasted and prepared turkey... that had the face of Makoto Hyuuga.

"Quite the lovely ner- I mean _bird_." she said with a small laugh as she started carving up the Makoto bird who screamed out in pain.

"GAH! NO! Guess what? I'm dying here! I didn't think I would die basted, butterballed and stuffed with chestnuts in my POOPICK! Gobble, gobble, gooble DEATH!"

With that, the Makoto bird died and Ritsuko served a piece of the sliced bird on Shinji's plate.

Later that night, in the shared adult bedroom Kaji couldn't help but be suspicious. "Misato, I'm telling you, something's very fishy about this island I just can't put my finger on it."

Misato, tucked in bed, rose an eyebrow, "Y'mean they're gonna offer us time shares?"

Kaji shook his head, "No, I'm gonna do some nosing around. Be right back." With that he put on his jacket over his sleepwear, swapped his slippers for boots and headed out.

"Make sure you bring back some ice!" Misato called out waving her water glass.

As Kaji looked around in the jungle, he was suddenly attracted to the sound of people moaning in what he could only imply as agony. He turned and saw a building labelled "House of Unbearable Pain and Suffering".

"House of Unbearable Pain and Suffering, huh? This must be where you pay the bill." he joked, laughing to himself, "Why is it nobody's around that I'm so funny?"

"Oh don't worry," Ritsuko purred menacingly as she grabbed Kaji from behind, her face crowned with a fiendish grin and a needle in her left hand, " _I'm_ around."

The sky was split with the sound of Kaji's screams transforming into a yowl. Misato, in her half-asleep, half-awake state heard the door to the bedroom open thinking that it was Kaji. She then felt him scratching the side of her head with what felt like cat claws. "Hey, Kaji, did you find anything?"

Kaji growled in response as started nuzzling Misato. "Whoa! Somebody's feeling frisky. You're quite the tiger tonight, Ryoji."

Kaji began to scratch and claw the purplette.

"Whoa, okay, easy there. Easy. _Easy_." the Major told her on-off boyfriend, "Wow, never done _this_ in a while! Okay, that hurts a lot more than it tickles."

In the younger bedrooms, the friskiness had disturbed the Eva pilots. With a growl, Asuka grabbed a boot next to her bed. "Hey, Lovebirds, some of us have to sleep too!" With that she threw the boot which hit Kaji, causing him to yelp.

Misato and Kaji were entangled following their intercourse, Misato's back sporting claw marks. "Wow, we haven't done that since college," Misato commented. Kaji growled in response.

"Kaji, you were like a wild beast, so voracious and prowly. And I've never seen you use your tail like that." Misato told him.

Suddenly, Kaji saw a bird perched on their window and pounced at it, revealing himself to be a black panther with a more feline-looking version of his face. With the bird in his mouth, the former human-turned-panther bounded off into the jungle.

"Oh my God, Kaji's been turned into a monster!" Misato cried before backtracking, "Which I _probably_ should have guessed what with the sex and all."

Now, fully dressed, Misato ran into the House of Unbearable Pain and Suffering. Upon entering, she was greeted with the sight of something out of a mad scientist movie, complete with jars of organs, tables with straps on them and medical equipment. "I've gotta find a way to change Kaji back and replace those mints I took from the mini-bar." Misato said to herself.

"Hello, Major." the cold voice of Gendo Ikari greeted her. She turned to see the commander of NERV in his usual pose standing in a horse-stall.

"Commander!? Oh, great there goes my vacation." Misato complained.

"Yes, indeed. Major, could you do me one favor?" the Bastard King asked.

Misato groaned and rolled her eyes before being greeted with the sight of Gendo's lower half being that of a female cow, a chain on his right hindleg

"Milk me!" the man begged in a strained voice.

Misato hesitated for a minute, "I really don't want to do that, Commander Ikari."

Gendo didn't take that for an answer, "All you need to do is yank my tits and harvest my milk." He handed her a small stool and a metal bucket.

Misato groaned in defeat, "Okay, fine!" With that she started milking the Cow Commander who sighed with relief.

"Ah, yes. That's better. You have a very gentle touch, Major."

Misato gave the Cow man a glare. "Not helping here."

Afterwards, Misato had freed Gendo and the two strolled down the jungle while Misato had taken the time to sing.

" _In the jungle/The Creepy jungle/Misato rides a freeeak_!"

Gendo silenced her, "I think I hear something behind that bush."

The man-cow parted the bush and both gazed upon a village of half-man/half-animal hybrids, the inhabitants standing around a bonfire. Among them were Hideki Tama as a leopard, Sumire Nagara floating in a tank as a cuttlefish while sharing it with Sakura Suzahara who had the lower body of an octopus, Shigeru Aoba as an elephant, Midori Kitakami having the lower body male peacock to which she complained about, Kozo Fuyutsuki as an osprey and Mari Makinami as an Indian Cobra. Kensuke Aida, now an anthropomorphic billy goat stepped forward and blew on a horn he had taken off from his head before announcing, "Attention, my freakish brethren, I realize some of you are still wearing pants. Throw them on the fire and embrace your animal nature!"

Toji Suzuhara, now a pig, took his pants off and groaned, "Okay, okay, but I'm keeping my shirt. I still have _some_ dignity left!" The pig-boy turned around and saw a pile of slop next to him "Hey food!"

He then dug into it, laughing with delight upon finding a toenail.

Misato jumped off in disbelief, "I can't believe it! Rits has turned you all into her guinea pigs!

"Hey, I resent that statement!" Maya, now a guinea pig cried out in offense.

"Hey, Misato, check this out!" Asuka's voice caught Misato's attention. She definitely saw the German-Japanese redhead alright, her head just so happend to be on a spider's body dangling from a web. The Spider-Asuka began writing words in her web.

"You're. A. DUMMKOPF!?" Misato read before growling in anger. She then looked down to see Shinji as a hedgehog rambling to himself.

"Oh, I get it. Hedgehog's dilemma so I have to be a literal hedgehog. Ha ha. Very funny."

Suddenly, he was snatched up by Rei who had been transformed into a hawk. Misato grabbed the Hawk-Rei by her legs, removed Shinji from her talons and gave her a very disapproving look.

"I was just engaged in a game with Pilot Ikari." the hawk girl told her.

"Really? What's this game called?" Misato asked.

"'Let's Eat Shinji'." Rei responded, uncharacteristically sheepish.

Misato cried out disgusted and addressed the crowd of animal-people. "Manimals, Invertebroads! Lend me your ears. You must fight back against the woman who did this to you!"

Kaworu Nagisa, now a humanoid armadillo nodded, "You know, the half-woman, half-spider monkey has a point." This caused the Animen to speak among themselves before Ritsuko's laughter filled the air as she emerged with a boa constrictor curled around her shoulders.

"Granted, I've made a few mistakes, but all in the name of good progress." she announced. The boa, revealing itself to be Lorenz Keel spoke up, "Here! Here!"

Asuka turned to Rei, "Who's the boa?"

Rei shrugged in response.

"Think about it, my hybrid children," Ritsuko spoke to the crowd, "isn't this better than being normal, boring humans?"

"Well, now that you mention it," Mana Kirishima, now a chameleon, replied, "it is pretty cool changing colors."

"And I can just make friends with myself!" cried Mayumi Yamagishi who was now a starfish.

Soon, the crowd was now leaning towards Ritsuko's statement much to Misato's dismay.

"Y-you can't be serious! All you do is eat, and sleep, and mate, and roll in your own filth, and eat some more, and sleep, and mate some more, and..."

Suddenly, Misato turned to face Ritsuko, "Hey, where do I sign up?"

The next day, all the animal hybrids were gathered around the pool while Misato, who was now a penguin not unlike Pen-Pen minus the flipper claws and backpack, sunbathed. Rei flew over and perched on her sunchair.

"I take it you are enjoying being a penguin, Major Katsuragi?"

"Oh, you bet, I haven't felt this good since high school!"

Kaji stalked over to his on-again off-again girlfriend. "Oh, Misato. I've got an itch on my back, mind getting it for me?"

With that, Misato leaned over and scratched the panther-man with her beak.

Meanwhile, on the moon, Lilith and Adam observed the Island of Lost Souls. "Hey, that looks like our number four!" Adam proclaimed.

Lilith nodded. "Really makes you think, doesn't it?"

 _The End_


End file.
